Let’s get one thing straight first: 2016 was a slut. All your arguments otherwise will be considered invalid. (When the time comes and my children are taught recent history in school, I’ll be the first to tear this year off their books.)

Now that that’s out of the way, I’m truly hopeful about 2017 making amends and cleaning up its predecessor’s mess. Which is why, in lieu of making New Year Resolutions (apart from this blog and a few other things, I’ll never be able to carry out any of my resolutions in this life or the next), I’ve decided to reverse-psychology my ass and instead made a list of New Year Fuckups that I’ll try my best to avoid this time around.

  1. No Breakups: This year, I’m not taking anybody’s shit. If anyone messages me with the words ‘Listen, we need to talk’, I’m not even going to look at the rest of the message! How’re you going to dump me if I don’t even know? Huh? (Genius, I tell you.)
  2. No Procrastination: I’m honestly tired of having to sit down and finish a week-long assignment in just one night – correction, a few hours – hyped up on a dose of coffee and nachos. So from now on, I’m gonna sit myself down and finish homework when and where it is given. But, like, starting tomorrow. Don’t stare at me – old habits die hard!
  3. No Self-Deprecation: I’m perfect, and you can’t tell me otherwise. I can’t tell me otherwise neither. Except, if I make jokes at my expense. Then you better laugh, because I didn’t drag myself down for a few chuckles.
  4. No Sleep Deprivation: The bags under my eyes never really went well with my personality anyway.

That’s it! That’s my list! Okay, I know, it’s pretty small, but look me in the eyes and tell me you have ever completed more than five New Year goals. I bet you can’t.

Comment what your New Year Resolutions are below!




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